Remember that class back in 5th or maybe 6th grade that we all had to attend? The one where they would split up the boys and girls and talk about puberty? I remember this class very clearly. I remember the embarrassment in all the kid's faces and the conversation being very taboo. Today this is a different story. By the time kids attend these classes they usually already know a thing or two about the birds and the bees (to put it gently). This is why experts are saying that we need to give the "sex talk" to our kids earlier now. They say to take the age that you remember and subtract two years. This would mean talking to your 9 or 10-year-old about sex, can you do it?
There was a recent study done about this very topic. See more on this here. According to this study more than 40 percent of kids are having sex before "the talk". This is a scary thought. I remember seeing an Oprah show a couple of years back about the young ages kids are experimenting. Back then I had elementary-aged kids and was in complete shock. I couldn't believe that kids were actually participating in the things that they were at the ages they were.
We all know how important it is to educate our kids. Do you think a formal "talk" is appropriate? Do you leave it up to the school's sex education classes? How did you go about "the talk" and at what age with your kids? Are you prepared to talk to your 10-year-old about oral sex?
"The talk" - At what age should you talk to your kids about the birds and the bees?
Posted by Dalia (Generation X Mom) Labels: sex talk, tweens
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38 opinions:
I am SO NOT a supporter of leaving it up to the school system to educate my kids about sex. That doesn't necessarily mean that I don't think there should be sex ed in schools, but it should be to supplement what I've already taught them, not their introduction to it. Since my kids have seen me pregnant a few times, they have already asked me hopw the baby got in my tummy and how it came out. My oldest is not quite 5, so we've gotten away with "God put it there" so far, but I know that with kindergarten (in a few months arrgghh!!!) that more info than I care for will be available to him.
If an open, full sharing environment is caused early in the home then I am thinking (since my oldest is not quite 4) that those conversations and the openness about other topics is just the norm, they will come up because we'll be aware and they will feel comfortable enough to ask. I think that it's up to me 1st to teach my children, the school system is a system to educate on given school topics (which, for science reasons can include sex ed)- not to those of the heart. (which, kids having sex relations have a 'hurt heart issue' in my opinion, seeking to fill a gap.) But, that's just me- - - good topic!
More than 40% have sex before the talk - that is frightening considering how young I was when that happened!!! My parents didn't let me attend the sex ed class...I remember having to sit in the next room during the class. Instead, my parents rented the video and watched it with me - horrifying. But at least they got to be in control of what I needed to know. They didn't care if the school taught the facts...but they wanted to teach me the heart and biblical point of view that they miss.
Wow! This hits close to home. My daughter will be 10 in October and I've already "mostly" decided to have the talk with her after her birthday. I'm planning to talk to her about her period and then go on from there... I'm still afraid she might be too young.
I guess I'll just have to bite the bullet and do it - I certainly don't want her to learn about it from someone else!
I really don't like the idea of using some generic age guideline. I think it depends SO much on your kids and how mature they are, who they hang out with, and when they ask questions.
We've never had a big deal "the talk" with our sons, now 12 and 15. We try to deal with questions and topics as they come up - there are plenty of teachable moments in movies today! We had a really great book on pregnancy when I was pregnant with my second - and looked at it again when my sister had her kids and the questions came up again.
My oldest was home sick the week they did sex ed in his 5th grade class, so I bought a book and read it with him (so I guess we did have "the talk"). But he didn't want to hear any of it!!! I explained that his classmates were learning the same things that week, but he just clamped his hands over his ears! I finally got him to listen, but I had to go through the book pretty quickly! My youngest just had his sex ed week in 5th grade last year - he's normally the more open, curious one, but he didn't want to talk about it much either. I'll keep trying, with both of them...especially my 15-year old! My husband still feels uncomfortable talking about sex, at 55, so it falls to me. It's really important to me that they both grow up feeling comfortable with sex and understanding that it's a natural, normal part of life. I guess I feel I still have a lot of work to do in that regard!
Sue
Since I am going through this issue right now, I want to add my two cents. I have three daughters - 10, 7 and 5. My best friend's daughter got her period at age 10 and ever since I have been a little paranoid that my daughter would do the same. When she was 9 I took the opportunity to tell her all about her period because she was asking me what a tampon is. She is in 4th grade. The school does show a film in the 5th grade about this topic but personally, I think that 5th grade is too old. As far as the sex talk... yes, we had it when she turned 10 but that was when she came out and asked me, "How does the baby get into the mom?" I took that as a sign that she was ready to hear the whole story. I certainly do not want my kids learning about sex at school or from their friends so I'm all for talking about it first. That way, when they have further questions, they will be more likely to come to you first as well.
This absolutely strikes terror into my heart. I never had the talk. I was also not one of that 40%. I did attend the sex ed class (I think it was 4th or 5th grade) and that was the end of it. In today's day and age, I think you have to get them young, but at the same time it breaks my heart that they have to learn it all SO young.
I do not remember the talk from school until 7th grade. (And then it was mortifying to say the least.) But I do remember my mom having a talk with me earlier on and giving me a set of Peter Mayle's books. I actually have a blog post about it if you ever want to read it (http://organicmotherhoodwithcoolwhip.com/subBlog.asp?bID=75)
Anyway, even though I thought it was embarassing at the time, it was nice to have talked about stuff with my own mom before random kids starting saying stuff that was confusing at school (which of course happens anyway, but at least there is a base or foundation there.) You always bring up the best topics, Dalia!! Love your blog.
Our time is definitely coming and I am scared to death. I don't want to but I will. Of course I will. It has to come from home first. We've been teaching them since they've been born. This shouldn't be the one thing we won't teach them. Nothing should be off limits. Did I mention that I was scared to death?
I'm not prepared to give the talk. I'm still wondering if I should be calling it "vagina" instead of "pee pee".
I definitely think parents need to be the ones to inform their children about sex. I'm just working through exactly how I'm going to do that.
A few more thoughts... my mother never, ever talked to me about sex. I can't remember where I first learned about it but I know it wasn't from home. I think my mother just assumed I would learn about it some other way but I really wish she had talked to me openly and honestly. To this day, I don't talk to my mother about anything personal and I'm sure that goes back to the fact that she never talked to me. I want my daughters to come to me first for everything... there is nothing off-limits in my book.
Well, lucky me got to have a partial TALK in the car one night when Oldest asked what S-E-X meant. Of course Husband was out of town (he was also out of town for the death talk, which also occurred in the car and involved so much sobbing I had to pull over). I just tossed back her questions with questions of my own to figure out exactly what she was asking and only told her what she was ready for.
Oh, dear. I'm not looking forward to it - my sons are only two and four, but I'm hoping that I am ready and available to present information as they need/are ready for it, and before they get a lot of misinformation from their peers... Oh, they're boys, can I just make my husband do it?? Excellent topic, I'm glad I have a little time left. But I definitely want to think on it and be prepared early!
Peryl
I don't have any children so as I often say "it's all theory to me." But I suppose it is to all of you at first. However, I would not leave this up to school. I'm probably a bit older than many commenting here and there was really no sex education when I was in school. I remember one brief talk about menstruation. I have no idea what they talked to the boys about during that time.
I also remember a friend telling me what she knew about sex at 6 years old! Much of it was wrong but the gist of it was correct. I don't remember when I got the right info but I know it wasn't from my mother. She never had the 'talk' with me. Fortunately I figured it out myself before the lack of info got me into trouble but I'm sure had I had my own children, I would not have left it up to someone else. I think I would follow their lead and hopefully that would tell me when the appropriate time had arrived.
I do not have kids yet, but obviously this is something that I am going to have to deal with at some point.
I just had a conversation with my little brother last night who is 11 and has already had the 'talk' with my dad. He told me that a girl at his school (who is like 12 or 13 or something) brought in cigarettes and condoms and was telling people that she wanted to get pregnant by her 16 year old boyfriend. All I could think about is "where are that girl's parents!?" As awkward as it all is, it's obviously so necessary.
I think that this is something that parents need to "own." I did the sex talk with my 10-year-old and blogged on this at http://pragmaticmom.com
I found that approach of giving her an appropriate book and then doing q and a to really work for me. And i have a lot of great sex ed book suggestions from other parents on my blog posting.
See gray navigation bar with posting: The Birds and the Bees Talk.
And 10 was a little late, though she's my oldest so she's a little more naive. I'm going to do the Talk with my middle daughter a year earlier.
Pragmatic Mom
My parents never talked to me about sex when I was growing up. I got my info thru the school and my own research -- and I had a bit of misinformation as well.
I was a single father for several years raising 3 daughters. I never discussed the subject with them. I guess they got it a lot like I did and thru their mother, who they did see occasionally and who probably did not set a good example for them. They seemed to have turned out okay though and seem to be fairly prudent adults--although my youngest did get pregnant soon out of high school, but I don't think that was due to any lack of knowledge about sex--I think she knew exactly what she was doing. On the plus side, she gave me my first grandchild, remains with the father of the child, and is doing a wonderful job at being a mother.
Lee
We've never really had a formal "talk" with our girls. We just decided to make it be a common place subject...so it's no big deal. (although we do need to remind them that it's not something to discuss at the dinner table when we have guests)
I think the first time it came up was when one of my girls walked in as I was changing a tampon. (The horrors of Mama bleeding!)
Yes, talking about oral sex is important, even at 10. Apparenlty that's not really considered to be sex by a lot of kids. Talk about condoms, aids, how drinking and drugs can effect your judgement, how to handle pressure, what being in love really is, how it would be to have a baby at such a young age...talk about it ALL.
My girls are teens now, but we've always talked about these things. It's hard to start, but important for the sake of your kiddos.
Hey, Dalia!
There's an award for you over at "my place"... =)
We never sat down and had a formal talk. We've always made it clear that they can ask us anything and sex is an open topic. I was a young mother and one of the last things I wanted was for them to be uninformed. We are pretty open and I feel comfortable that my girls are well informed.
Hey Dalia!
Thanks for the comment, I'm now following you. Funny this is your current post because my 4 year old has been asking about boobs, "tails", how babies get out and how babies are made. We are answering her questions as they come up, but obviously in a more basic way the kids in jr. high.
I have three children-one biological and two via adoption. I was always open with my(almost) 15 year old about choices, and how the wrong one affects your life FOREVER. Her siblings were a choice, I always point out to her.
I told my daughter about the facts of life during a teachable moment when she was nine. She asked a question, and I told her the facts. She freaked out, but from that time on, we have talked about everything.
The best times to talk are in the car, side by side. At night, I will bring up topics. She eye rolls and at times asks me to stop, but I do not.
Just keep talking and talking and talking...
I found your comment on my blog and just responded. I am following you now. Thank you for coming by!
http://keepitsimplesister-mommymommymommy.blogspot.com/2010/02/power-of-no.html
My kids aren't old enough yet, but yes I plan on having the talk with them. I plan on trying to be as open and relaxed as I can be. My mom was just so uncool about that kind of stuff. She always made it real uncomfortable to talk about that kind of stuff. :/ At least now I know what NOT to do... haha
So timely...my son slowly keeps asking questions...he's 8.5! He is not ready to know lots of details, but we fill him in as we think he can handle it. I watched an episode of The Doctors a couple weeks ago and am amazed I am still standing - scared straight! I got an education...and the ages these kids are doing things...rainbow parties (don't google it unless you really want to know). YIKES!
We will be tackling this in our house...not leaving it up to the school.
Holly
Stopping by from Lady Bloggers!
HoT Topic.
I remember doing science and talking about reproduction at the age of eleven, and I would have loved to talk about it more with mother (it was then that I decided to be open with my future children and talk about everything, including SEX). in my case I learned more from teen magazines and promised myself not to do it until late age (ah, ah, ah...)
I would definitely explain to my future kids what sex is but I wouldn't go into details at the age of ten by talking to them about oral sex (that would be too much). We should bear in mind that our society is forcing sexual images on children on daily basis, therefore at a young age a child is force to indoctrinate him/herself of something they don’t fully comprehend. But for a parent to talk petting and oral sex to a 10-year-old child I think is inappropriate (I don't have a kid yet, but if I think about my nieces and nephews, I don't think I can talk about that kind of sexual intercourse) I think it shouldn’t be on the agenda until they are maybe 13/14.
But we are in 2010, things can change so quickly; and as we are human beings who change their thoughts so often I can change my mind fast.
Happy Lady Society Day and keep up you hot topic on top. Enjoy your day.
Congrats on the feature at Lady Bloggers Society. I'm your newest follower! Oh my gosh, I can't even imagine talking to my kids about sex yet...they are only 2 and 6. But I know it's coming so I guess I need to be prepared. But I will definitely NOT be leaving it up to the school system.
Hey there! So glad I have a few years before this comes up! I am a new follower from TBC! Nice to meet you!
I have an 8 year old and a 5 1/2 year old and I am soooo not ready to have this talk but I'm not sure how I feel about leaving it up to the school to educate my children either.
I think too many parents leave their heads in the sand when it comes to this. We told my Aunt my 12 year old cousin was having sex, she didn't believe us. Now she is 13 and has sex with 4 different boys. Or the girl in my step sons 4th grade class who was being pimped out for blow jobs behind the grocery store by her brother. Because she DIDN'T KNOW what he was telling her to do was wrong.
I think that parents and/or schools need to start teaching sex ed a lot earlier (obviously make it age appropriate).
This is so timely. I am planning to have The Talk with my 9 year old *this weekend*. I don't know what I'm going to say or how much he needs to know... but the time has come. I must go find some cream for these hives now.
Happy LBS day!
Congrats on being featured on Lady Bloggers! Love your site. We have had "the talk" with 4 of our five. It usually happens around the age 10-11. A parent can't leave it up to the schools or their friends to educate their kids on sex. It should be done in the home so they can be taught correct words and values associated with it. We use a great book called "How toTalk to Your Kids about Sex" by Richard and Linda Eyre.
I think that parents (unfortunately) need to do it earlier than they think. I have no kids but my niece and I have had the birds and bees talk (she was more comfortable talking with auntie than with mom so my sister checked if I was willing). If you've got a trusted family member that the kid feels more comfortable talking to that's great, but it's for the family not the schools to teach. Sex ed is great to bring discussion, but the discussion needs to happen!
I have to admit, it's topics like this almost make me scared to have kids. It's so hard to believe that children so young already know what sex is, let alone that may already be doing it. In elementary school, I only remember watching a video about "our changing bodies" - I don't even think they broached the subject of sex until atleast middle school. My mom talked to me about the birds and the bees when I was about 11 and pretty much had an open door policy if I ever had questions. I always appreciated that.
I have no idea at what age I'll be having the conversationg with my future children, but I'm starting to think it will be earlier than I was planning.
P.S. Happy LBS Day :)
As a victim of molestation as a child I truly feel the earlier the better.
I know it will not be easy when I have kids but I want them to know what is appropriate sexual behaivor.
I think masturbation is perfectly fine and should be encouraged as something private that people keep to themselves.
I hope to explain to them that ANY kind of touching like that with another person is for adults only.
I think I am going to go with the explanation that kids do not have a job, do not pay bills, and do not have sex because ALL OF THOSE are responsibilities adults.
If they are confused on why they can touch themselves but do that kind of touching with other people I will try to explaing that -- When you touch yourself it is PRACTICE for being an adult.
Man I hope this works when I have kiddos!!
you give some tough questions lady!
First of all, congrats on being the featured blogger yesterday, awesome!
OK, about the sex talk, I think it starts from the very beginning in very simple terms. I think from the age of 18 mos or 2 you can start talking about their privates, using the real word, penis and vagina, saying how they aren't to be touched by anyone (obviously except for bathtime by a trusted parent/guardian and by medical personnel when needed), reiterating this on a consistent basis, talking about if people tell you to keep a secret about your privates that that is not ok and to tell mommy and you won't be in trouble. When they get a little older, early elementary, you can also be honest with your kids in that when your door is closed it is mommy and daddy private time, talk about how a mom and a dad made them (in very general terms), etc, etc. So by the time they are 10, 11 years old it isn't such a big shock. I also ask about what they hear from school, tell them if they have a question, they can write it on a piece of paper if they are too shy asking and I will be 100% honest as to what the answer is, etc, etc...Anyway, my point being, I really feel it is this ongoing dialogue from when they are super young. I don't have a tween yet, my oldest is 8, but I hope that this technique will work as he continues to grow and mature and get curious about the opposite sex.
Oh and btw, saying hello from Lady Bloggers... :)
One other suggestion, I know a family that when the child turns 10, the same sex parent takes them on a special weekend vacation and goes over a lot of the sex education. I haven't decided if we'll go this route or not, but its an idea :).
I think The Talk should be dependent on if your child is emotionally ready for it - of course if you're seeing some signs that your child is already experimenting, then by all means sit down, regardless of age, and have a talk. Puberty hits earlier now, and by the end of 4th grade year, my child and I had "the talk." One book I found helpful for body changes is The American Girls Body Boook - good for girls. This series leaves the sex part up to you. Is there an equivalent book for boys? Don't know - but I'll need one, in a few more years. My advice - just be open to questions, try not to cringe or laugh if/when they come up, and be honest about consequences. As in, "Wow. Do you think that 13 is young to date a 16 year old boy? When I was that age, there was a girl in my class who had a baby. Imagine having a baby to care for."
I talked to my son about sex and his body last year when he was about 12. I asked him what he knew about sex and he said he didn't know anything. He was embarrassed, surprisingly I wasn't.
I told him about how he would probably start to feel around girls in a year or two and how he should and shouldn't respond. I told him basically how it's done and what happens inside. I also told him about what can happen - pregnancy and disease. I don't recall talking about oral sex.
They haven't talked about sex at school yet. (He's in 6th grade.) But I plan on talking to him about sex again. Probably a couple times a year, to keep the lines of communication open and to hopefully help him feel like he can talk to me about anything.
My daughter just turned 10 last month. I haven't talked to her about sex yet. I don't have a set age in mind. I'll talk to her about it when I feel she's ready. I've already talked to her about her body, puberty, menstruation last year. She was/is in the early stages of puberty, so it was time.
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