As parents we have all done things in the past which we are not proud of. Some maybe more serious than others. The question is do we tell our kids about these things that we have done? Are we hypocrites for preaching to our kids about these things if we have done them ourselves? Would being honest with them make them feel as if it is okay for them to do it too?
I do think some things are left better unsaid. You know, the piddly things, the things that don't have a lot of impact on them. I mean, we don't have to tell them everything! Although, I do think that if it is something of a very serious matter that maybe it can be used to teach kids the consequences.
Of course we all want to do the right thing. But, what is the right thing? Tell the truth, set an example, lie? Will they learn from your mistakes or will they say, "If mom or dad did that, then why can't I?"
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Oh man, my husband and I have this conversation ALL The time! He, my husband, was--let's say, ACTIVE--in college. He was in a fraternity and liked to do all the things that accompany that; the parties, the girls, the drinking, etc, etc. It's the "etc, etc" that I worry about coming out to our kids during our "Just Say No!" chats with them. I'm no angel...I've done PLENTY that I would rather keep to myself.
How do you come up with your topics? They literally jump off the screen at me and make me shake my head and think, "Oh, man...we have so much in stor for us!"
I think its helpful sometimes to tell in the areas you failed... just because you can tell them the PAIN & hurt things cause...
I know working with the youth they tell us to be careful telling of our mistakes because kids will say "Well, you turned out OK" - but when I share, I tell them that I'm NOT OK - mistakes leaves scars that last YEARS & the kids need to see that side of it too..
I agree with Rebecca. I think it's important to tell your kids about the mistakes that you made and the consequences that you may still be dealing with because of them. Maybe you need to really sit down and think about what those consequences were...or could have been. I don't think you have less credibility because of your mistakes, I think you have more, because you're speaking from experience.
My husband had a great example of this recently. He was quite an instigator in high school (towards rebellion) and now some of his friends (15 years later) are still on drugs or are alcoholics. He feels really guilty about that. He talks to our kids (and other teens) about that.
My example is teen pregnancy....
I think it's important to share your experiences. I know there are things in my past that I probably will never share with my children, but some things I believe can help them learn. I think it also helps for them to see us as "human".
Other things aren't easy to hide, for example the fact that I had my daughter very young. Obviously I was sexually active, she and I have talked about that and the importance of waiting.
My Hubby & I weren't real bad people, but there are couple of "frowned upon" things that went on while we were dating. Hubby and I have discussed it, and I think it's important we tell Bree about these things...for her own good. To let her know that her Parents weren't perfect. I think that maybe had my parents told me a few of the mistakes they had made...I would have made better choices.
I think it can be a very sensitive issue. My husband had his son when he was 19, and he was sexually active at an early age. I wasn't sexually active until after high school, and I still have no kids (by choice).
But it is hard to tell your child don't end up like me, when the kid is the result of your bad decision. But I do not want my Step son to go through what my husband went through, marriage and divorce all before the age of 25 and a kid on top of it all.
As the mom of a teenager, you tell your children things on "as needed" basis. Personally, I never drank or did drugs, so that part is easy for me.
A good expression that I use often is "You need to make good choices". I then ask her if she is prepared for any of the consequencees that come with making poor choices.
Just keep taling to your kids and ofr heavens sake, do not let them do things when you know that it could be trouble if they are not ready for the situation!
My DD got mad at me earlier this year for not letting her hang out with a bunch of boys and girls from her youth group. Well, no parent was going to be home, she did not know all of the kids, and almost all were juniors and seniors, and she is a freshman.
Yeah, she was mad at me for my decision-initially. But when she calmed down, she later thanked me.
If you parent, then you can hep your children avoid situations that may get them into trouble and make poor choices.
I am torn. On the one hand, several members of our families are broke down as the result of bad decisions as teens and young adults. Many still struggle with addiction, criminal records, single parenthood, etc. These experiences can be a successful tool in preventing my children from going down those roads. Or, they could say, "It'll be different for me" or "But I love my auntie (uncle, grandpa, etc)."
It's a tough call, but I think a lot depends on the child and how that child responds to such conversations. Worked for me as a child, not so much for my sister.
Once again, great topic!
How I would approach this is: I'd ask- what is the challenge of the child? A child generally will be much more prone to talking than listening (you know, that glossy eyed, staring thru the parent look). So, figuring out why, the motive, the need, the issue of what the child is dealing with may result in a fitting solution in which the child now has an investment in (since they helped come up with it) and therefore a good outcome. If, if my story is needful to impart that will be clear- and right- and with impact (but a tactic to be used sparingly).
My husband and I have had this conversation quite a bit lately--I think that maturity will factor in a great deal when it comes to the level of detail we share. I think Rebecca Jo hit the nail on the head, letting kids know that mistakes leave scars that last years...*if* we're lucky. Not everyone is as lucky as we are.
Also, I know it's silly, but I gave you a "blog award" in my latest post. I'm not sure whether or not these things are the blog equivalent of a chain letter, so feel free to just soak in the awesomesauciness and go about your day.
I think it would be helpful to tell them and teach them that actions have cosequences. I would like to think that my children would learn from my experience and my mistakes. But the thing is kids sometimes don't want to be "preached" and choose not to listen intentionally. They would prefer to learn from their own mistakes and if that's the case, there is not much we can do. At least I was like this. I wouldn't take any advice from my parents and I tended to the opposite of what they were teaching me. I was very lucky that I didn't get in trouble. So if I see that my children tend to be the way I was, I'd keep quiet and "preach" only on extremely serious matters.
Again, you make me think more than I want to... because I was BAD as a teenager (and beyond) and certainly don't want my boys doing half the stuff I did. Erg. I will certainly downplay my activities when the time comes.
I think it has to be a case by case basis. You can only do what you feel comfortable with.
My parents were very strict - but when I asked why I could not do something or go somewhere like all my friends I was just told "because you can't". They never had proper conversations with me. When the time comes with my daughter I want to do it right - I want to talk to her as a responsible person not just as my child. If I am advocating not doing something or being cautious about getting into certain situations then I feel it is important to explain why I feel that way and relate to her my own experiences, the mistakes I have made and the consequences of those and all I have learnt as a result. That way hopefully then she can make her own decisions in life armed with as much information as possible. Forewarned is forearmed as they say.
This is why I'm glad I never tried any drugs. I can be completely honest in that conversation. My other minor wild moments are truly too piddly to lie about.
I think if it had a bad enough outcome to terrify the living crap out of them, then it's worth telling. If it comes out sounding harmless and even a little bit cool, I try to leave it alone, lol!
Visting via SITS!
What an intersting topic! I think I would vaguely go over mistakes I have made, but not be outright honest with it all. Just enough to get the point across and give some advice!
Great question. I have no answer but I think about this all of the time and my girls are still babies. The teenage years scare the hell out of me!
Ultimately, I think we should share some information about our pasts but we have to be delicate with our content.
Depends on what we are talking about but how about, "I had no one to tell me about what COULD happen."
Lame, I know, but it's worth a try.
Great topic and great responses. As a very young aunt, I talked about things with my teenaged niece that I regret. Not for admitting what I did but for not focusing on consequences at all. Twenty years later, I will respond honestly when asked about what I did as a teenager. My focus is today is about the consequences both immediate and long-term.
Stopping by from SITS.
Perhaps an example of how bad it turned out just may be what the kid needs.
You got to let them live.
Just keeping them informed and praying they make logical decisions is all that can be done.
My worst fear will be the drinking and driving. Too many college kids do this.
Very intriguing question because there are definitely some things that I did in my youth which may be hard to explain to my kids mwahahaha Seriously, I will cross the bridge when I get there. When a situation presents itself where I can help enlighten my child about some issue that I myself went through, I will tell him.
I was just talking about this subject with my bookclub last night, and we decided that honesty is the best policy. We can tell our kids about the things that we have done with honesty...and then tell them how we might regret some of our decisions and how we have learned from them. Those are some hard conversations, though!
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