I recently got into a discussion with some people about a few of the things I have touched upon on my blog recently. We talked about grinding at school dances, the new kid-sized condoms, the low-cut clothes girls are wearing, and about how our kids are living in such a sexualized culture. Get this, there was even talk about kids having sex on the dance floor in the middle of a big circle conspicuously and sexual acts in middle school bathrooms and buses.
Some people feel that a lot of the 'goings on' today are due to our overly sexualized culture on television and the young stars who our kids are idolizing. But, others stress that it all came down to the parents. These people believe that the kids who are taking part in these situations come from homes where the parents are encouraging their kids to be cool. These are the parents who support their 11-year-old daughter having a boyfriend and parents who push their kids to be 'popular'. I admit I do know parents like this. My kids have friends whose parents point out if a boy is 'hot' to their daughters. They talk to their 9 and 10-year-old daughters about getting boyfriends and who has one and who doesn't. I also mentioned before about the 5th grade girls at dances getting so upset about 'boyfriend issues'. These people I talked to believe that parents like this are trying to re-live their adolescent years through their children and make it better than what they had.
I would like to think that we as parents do have a big part in these issues and that teaching right from wrong goes a long way. I am usually one who does believe that a lot of these problems can be blamed on the parents, but I still wonder if society and culture has more to do with it than we think.
Do you believe this is the case? Is some of this out of our control? Do you think it all comes down to parents or is society a large part of the equation?
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15 opinions:
Oh, I think it's a bit of both, but I think it's probably always been this way. I do like to feel that the majority of it comes down to loving involved parenting, but in part also to the little personality each kid is born with. With my two it was very clear early on who was timid and who was not. And of course they are influenced by society, but I hope that I give them the best possible tools regardless of what they encounter out there...
I think it is a bit of both, but parents need to step up and be parents! TV is NOT real... and people seem to forget this. Just because people do it on TV doesn't mean it is ok. After all if they were showing the everyday life stuff... it might be kind of boring. But again, if parents monitor what their children watch, they won't be exposed to so much. I know I wasn't allowed to watch MTV until I was like 16... I surely wouldn't want my kids watching "16 and pregnant" or "Jersey Shore" or any of that other crap. TV is the one letting your daughter walk out the door looking like a street walker, you (the parent) are.
It's absolutely both! There's only so much you can do as a parent to protect your kids from these immoral things. Unless you completely shelter them, there are so many evil influences everywhere you go! I also think so many parents these days are too lazy. It's much easier to let your kids do and say and watch whatever they want than it is to do the "right" thing. It's really very sad.
I agree it is both. Culture has completely changed into a sex charged environment with t.v., magazines, radio - it's all around them. If the parents ignore it, then what else is a child to think?
Boy, I don't know...tough question. I guess in some cases - like those examples you cited - the parents can make things worse. And I certainly disagree with parents who let their young girls dress like teen starlets (or worse).
But here's an oppositional point of view as food for thought...
I was actually very promiscuous at a very young age - first real boyfriend and first kiss in 5th grade, and it progressed from there. My parents were quite restrictive with me - about what I could wear, how much freedom I had, who I hung out with, etc. I don't know why I was like that - certainly part of it was rebelling against my good girl image and wanting to be cool.
And there's no question that our culture has changed over the years to encourage such behavior at younger ages.
I think parents need to look at their own kids and what they need in the way of limits and freedom and try to pass on their own values to their kids - then the culture has less of an effect.
Keep me in mind...I have two boys! With all that's going on these days, I'm sort of glad I don't have tween girls!
Sue
I definitely think both are involved. As parents one of our biggest battles is to go against the tide of the excesses in our culture, to help our kids some through childhood/adolescence relatively unscathed. But it is a battle. One that seems to start earlier and earlier. My five year old girl is already feeling the pressure of clothes and image and popularity - but I refuse to let these things dominate her life. Otherwise i'm going to have a very insecure kid on my hands. I have to work very hard to combat the negative messages she receives. I have to limit her exposure to negative role models.
I ALSO have to provide alternatives. We can't just live in a vacuum; if we don't like the way the wider culture is influencing our kids, we have to rplace it with a healthier culture. Encourage friendships with the kids of like-minded parents, keep lines of communication open (between us, the kids, school AND other parents). We have to make our home life be a place kids value and love... so that the culture of our family is more attractive than other negative stuff. Love and limits.
My kids are still young (7,5 &2) but I was a youth worker for years with at-risk kids.
The parents whose kids got into the most trouble (promiscuous sex, teen pregnancy, drugs, alcohol bingeing, trouble with the law etc) were parents who confused love and limits. Some had no love AND no limits. These were the worst cases, the absentee parents.
Others were all love, but no limits. Their kids ALSO got into trouble, breaking their hearts.
I'm hoping I remember these lessons as my kids get to that age, and I think the success I have in getting thru the teenage years in one peice starts now when they're little, establishing those two things. Love. And Limits.
Oh and I just read Sue Jackson's comment... taht's really interesting. I forgot to mention that also those parents with too many "limits" and not enough "love" (i.e. too strict) also caused THEIR kids to become sneaky and push back against those boundaries. I remember a friend of mine whose parents were so restrictive of her and kept her away from EVERYTHING; she rebelled at 15 and got pregnant. So... yeah, too much either way and it's gonna be trouble. Man this parenting lark is a tough one, yeh??
It's sick what can happen to children at such young ages. But, without diving into my crazy acts I can say that much of a child's actions are closely related to the security they feel from their parents. We desire t be wanted and needed and if we don't get that from our parents (as kids) then it's looked for elsewhere. Although culture is a big influence we can off shoot some of that by our involvement and open communication. We'll see how it plays out for real when my kids are older. But, from what I viewed, the closer the family (not strictness, closeness) the better self respect the kids had.
Both.
My parents were interested/involved in my formative years, and still I made decisions they would not have approved had they known about them! But - I at least had the information at hand to *make* a decision (pros & cons) thanks to involved parents, and if I made a bad choice, it was completely my own. There are plenty of good parents out there whose kids still make choices that make the rest of us say OMG, WHERE were those PARENTS. And we later learn the parents were always right there, but parents, in the end, at some point, have to relinquish control and let the child learn things the hard way.
Ok. But let's consider age. I've seen lots of 4th grde girls having "boyfriend issues" and getting hysterical about it (an exaggeration, but you know the scene: loud sobbing in the bathroom, etc). This went on when I was a girl, but not until about 6th grade. I was in 6th grade long about 1981.
Society certainly influences our kids, but up to a certain age (what is that age? I can't remember! Help, someone!) parents have more influence on their children than anything/one else. TAKE control, parents.
Your ten-year old wants thong underwear? HELL NO. Who's paying for it? You? Then your child can get the granny tighty-whities! When she's 18 and earning her own cash, and doing her own laundry, THEN she can buy thong underwear. Your son wants to have a sleep-over with his girlfriend and they're in 7th grade? NOT. YOu don't have to give him permission to be out of the house that evening. Supervise him at home and force him to learn a card game with you and his grandparents. Invite the girlfriend to come over and learn it, too. Never know when you'll need another person on hand for that bridge game.
Kids have more expendable income than they ever did, but where does it come from? Drum roll please.....parents. So, parents, if you don't want junior/juniorette to be indulging themselves with a facefull of makeup at age 10, inappropriately sexual music/clothing/videos/etc., then don't give them the money for it.
Parents also have to provide the kind of example kids need from their parents. PARENTS, not FRIENDS. Kids don't need adult friends, they need PARENTS.
Give the kids the tools/information they'll need in order to make informed decisions. They may not make the right decisions (based on what you would have decided for them, right?) but if the kids say "consequences be damned," then let's hope they learn something from it.
Thanks, GenXmom, for such great discussions. I look forward to reading more comments on this!
Thanks for the great discussion. It's sad when 2nd graders are infatuated with the Jonas Brothers (isn't it too young to be looking for boyfriend material) and the clothes they make for little girls? Thankfully I can afford Lands End which seems to be sticking to "let little girls look like little girls."
Stopping by from SITS
http://mommamaybemad.blogspot.com/2010/05/home-sick.html
Tough question. I have a 15-year old daughter. If I removed the television, radios, her cell phone and iTouch from the home she still would be concerned about how best to display her cleavage. I'd like to think that I'm a big influence on her which is why she doesn't cause me any major heartburn but she spends the majority of her waking hours with her friends. As much as I chastise her about her wardrobe, when I drop her off in the morning I see 10 out of 10 girls wearing the things that I don't want her to wear. She gets conflicting messages all the time. It's hard being the parent of a teen girl in 2010.
I think it's a little of both. We as parents can control what comes into our homes as far as television, movies and music. While we can't be there 24/7 with our kids, we can certainly let it be know what is and isn't acceptabe. (I think) we have declined so much as a society- morally- that we shouldn't be surprised with the things that are happening today. It's a slippery slope, folks! You know that phrase "give an inch and they'll take a mile"? Well, there's truth to that. Am I a perfect mom? Absolutely not! (Just ask my kids!)but I truly, truly pray that I lay a foundation for my kids as far as what is acceptable and what isn't...and follow-through with it and live it. I think kids today are screaming out for boundaries and we are so darned afraid of harming their self-esteem or not being their "friend" that we don't lay down the law-in love, of course. =)I'm now stepping down off my soap box...
I think most of the blame goes on the shoulders of the parents. Who lets them watch these programs? Who lets them buy these clothes?
I had a very hard time finding shorts that I felt were long enough for my fifteen year old. They are still short, but not like some of the others out there!
It begins when the kids are younger and the parents permit their children to look and act the way they do. That is, if they are even paying attention.
Parents,parents,parents!.......Our children are always going to be subjected to things that will waiver their decisions, but with a solid foundation of ethics, morals, and values from the parents, children more often than not will make good choices. There is no way we can keep our kids from making poor choices, I mean,......haven't we all? But with those foundations, you either learn from your mistakes,...OR, you keep making them.
Great post!
Jennifer
I do think upbringing is a key factor. However I also know that when our children aren't in our site, they do stupid things. As well as, some things we alow our children to be exposed to.
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