Friends with benefits. Some people say this has been around for a long time. But, just like everything else...this is becoming more popular with teens. The Urban Dictionary defines friends with benefits as, two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment.
When I first heard how this type of 'relationship' if you want to call it that, was gaining popularity with teens, of course I had to dig deeper...and all I can say is...oh my god, now this?
I came across an article in the New York Times (read this here), that left me in amazement. This article made me realize even more how much relationships have changed since we were kids. Dating as we know it is a thing of the past. It is now all about 'hooking up'.
Lots of parents encourage their kids to not get romantically involved at a young age...hang out with your friends...have fun...you are young. I think this is great advice but now I am starting to wonder.
These kids are doing just that, but of course are taking it to the extreme. The New York Times article reads, "Having close friends of the opposite sex makes romantic relationships less essential. Besides, if you feel like something more, there is no need to feign interest in a dinner and a movie. You can just hook up or call one of your friends with benefits."
When we were in school wasn't a girl called, oh something like a slut or a tramp for being this way?
Are we as parents and a world for that matter condemning this? Should we be encouraging monogamy and relationships instead of always 'safe sex'. I wonder if the world has become so caught up in 'safe sex' that we are not doing enough to explain further about emotional relationships and morals?
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17 opinions:
This is a very thoughtful post. Kids have a lot of choices these days. Plus TV doesn't help.
Mary
I have to agree with Mary about the whole TV thing...so many of those shows makes it seem like no-big deal.
We've always pushed waiting until they have a relationship and that they really feel "ready".
It makes me so sad when my daughter tells me the stuff that goes on with some of the people she knows. (Thankfully she hasn't made any of those choices...I'm hoping that doesn't change)
From what I hear from my girls, in their schools anyway, people who are casual about just having sex are still under the slut category. That covers the guys and girls. But what I do notice is that there is a tendency to jump very fast into a "serious relationship". Many seem to think "dating" means having sex. It's just some thing you do like going to a movie. So if you date someone 4 months and then break up and date someone else, it isn't being easy to sleep with them because you are "dating". I have talked myself hoarse about this since they were in middle school and all I can do is hope it sticks.
Sometimes I really miss the morales of the 1940's and '50's, shoot even the time I grew up! I think that today's kids are given far too many choices and not enough hands on parenting, QUALITY parenting. If we could also let our kids know how much we like them and respect them as people, then these kids might start losing some of their "friends with benefits".
I think we do always have to examine what is going on and our contribution to it. I do believe if you have honest talks with your kids, they will listen to your opinions.
Thank you SO much for posting this!!!!! It is a culture that all parents need to be engaged & informed about. It is so sad that our children are being desensitized from intimacy. It is for that reason I started my blog. I'm so grateful that you validated the importance of this issue.
Thank you Dalia!
Jennifer
I definitely see what you are saying, Dalia. Like the focus has shifted over time. I do think that kids should understand relationships, respect, trust and monogamy as opposed to focusing so much on making sure you don't get a disease.
I totally agree about the one-sided "safe sex" message.
The scary thing is that condoms don't actually prevent the spread of many other nasty STD's (they are effective against HIV and pregnancy if used properly) so it's not even really SAFE sex, just "safer" sex...
and a condom doesn't prevent a broken heart.
I don't care what anyone says, the only people benfitting from a "friends with benefits" arrangement would be the boys. Every girl I ever knew who was promiscuous, would "give sex to get love"; whereas boys, "give love to get sex".
That's where the danger lies.
These girls kid themselves that it's ALL GOOD, but they end up feeling used and broken.
Nobody talks to them about this side in schools.
Emotional connections for us women are sooo important when it comes to sex. I think we are wired differently, and there's not many of us who just want a "shag" to scratch and "itch" as it were.
We want connection. We want intimacy. Without it, I don't think sex can be great.
I worry about these young women who are kidding themslves that they are fine with being casual sex partners.
I worry about the young men who aren't taught to value and respect women, but just use them as a way to "let off".
What does that mean for these people in the future? Scary.
x
Ah, Dalia, how do you manage to come up with such thought-provoking posts every week?
I agree - this trend is very disturbing. Have you read Jodi Picoult's novel, The Tenth Circle? It deals with exactly this subject, as well as date rape. It made me glad I have boys and not girls!
I was all for physical/sexual relationships when I was a teen, but the lack of emotional connection is worrying.
What I find most disturbing about this trend, though, is the focus on "servicing" the boys - not only are the girls not getting an emotional relationship but in many of the "games" kids/teens are playing and "friends with benefits" situations, the girls aren't even equals in terms of the sexual relationship.
It's disturbing all around.
Sue
We're not doing enough, is the simple answer - I believe, anyway. I got sick of hearing about people having sex when I was in high school, whether they were in a relationship or not. The way girls talked about it at school made it seem like it was no big deal and seemed to pity the inexperienced girls, i.e. me. I wasn't the least bit sad for myself, though. I can honestly say I don't want to go that far in a relationship until I'm married.
I haven't dealt with this with my children yet, but I do have a 12 year old sister who is a date-aholic. That child is "in love" with a new boyfriend every week. I'll be following this conversation closely for advice and suggestions!
My fifteen year old (TODAY!:)) tells me that girls who do this are still called sluts.
UGH!
Where are their parents?
Sadly, I am very familiar with the term. It's been around longer than I care to admit. You would hope that the next generation would learn, wouldn't you?
Oh, BTW, I'm visiting from SITS. :)
I've always thought that proper self-esteem is what keeps girls from feeling the need to put out to be cool. Slutty girls I've known just didn't feel like they had much else to offer.
I agree with you. We have 3 boys, and we work hard to raise them to respect women.
It is very hard when the females they know throw themselves at them.
Why aren't people raised to see their worth something???
I agree with you. We have 3 boys, and we work hard to raise them to respect women.
It is very hard when the females they know throw themselves at them.
Why aren't people raised to see their worth something???
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