We all have come from different upbringings and who are we to criticize the way a friend was brought up, but as a kid I always found it strange when I heard how a friend would have a beer or glass of wine now and then with their parents. I still see this today. Some parents believe that allowing their teens to drink with them is a good way to teach them to drink responsibly. They think that if they have a taste of it now and then they won't have the desire to over indulge when they are not with them. They feel if they as parents, are showing good behavior, the teen will copy this behavior. Let me tell you, these people that I knew as a teen certainly found ways to over indulge! Who were they kidding!
I am sorry, but I just don't get this. I am all for a little bit of freedom so as to not create a child who goes wild when they finally do have the freedom, but I can't imagine hanging out on a Friday night drinking beer with my teen. Is that really a responsible parent? How is it showing responsibility to teach a child that it is okay to break the law? Is this just an excuse for bad parenting? What kind of role model is this?
Do you think this is a way to teach responsibility or irresponsibility?
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20 opinions:
I think it depends on how old your kids are... I think the first time I had a drink in front of my Mom was at a family party, I was 20 and lived on my own.
My cousin had that "I'll let my kids drink with me" attitude... and now at least one of them in an alcoholic, and he hasn't even finished college.
I think the way you should teach you kids responsibility when drinking, is to be a responsible drinker in front of your kids. Hubby and I might have a drink or 2 on the weekend in front of the Kid, but we don't get stumbling drunk, and we don't drive around either. We also don't take him (no matter what his age) to the bar with us to have drinks... I just don't understand people who think it is ok to take their kids to a bar....
I don't get the concept of teaching by providing. People have told me about their parents/grandparents/relative giving them their first drink and/or cigarette. I think boundaries should be set and if they choose to drink at the age permitted by law, then so be it. I agree with The Step in Mom, the best way to show responsibility is to SHOW responsibility.
Stopping by from SITS.
I think this is a cop-out "approach" that some parents claim to use. I think it's an excuse for them as parents to not do the parent "thing", by taking a stand and instill this important lesson in their kids.
I was allowed a sip of wine on special occasions. I would get a shot glass that was then filled halfway. I was also allowed to have the same half shot glass sometimes when my grandfather came home from work. He would have a can of Bud and some sardines or bleu cheese and crackers, and we would share.
However, we will not be drinking with Turtle until he is 21. We will have a glass of beer or wine in his presence, because that's what we generally have with dinner, and it's an adult thing, but that's it.
I had it around a lot when I was younger. My best friend would have parties at her house when we were around 16 and her older brother (like 22/24) and his friends would come with alcohol. The parents would be in the house and sooo new what was going on. I'll never forget one New Years when the parents were taking care of about 6 teenagers with very bad hangovers.
So not gonna happen with my kids! They are not to drink alcohol in front of us until they're old enough to do so in public.
I remember my parents occasionally having a glass of wine with dinner. That's what my kids are going to remember, too. I was very fortunate to not witness drunk parents/aunts/uncles and, so far, my kids have been lucky that way, too.
I was permitted to have a glass of wine or more likely sherry with my parents. We discussed drinking in moderation and I knew how badly I'd be punished for getting drunk.
I don't drink at all now but when my daughter is older we'll let her have a little glass of beer or whatever. It's one of those things that strikes me as having an arbitrary age limit. You can die for your country at age 18 but you can't drink a beer until 21.
Smoking is not cool with me at any age.
Neither my husband or I are big drinkers, so it wouldn't occur to us to have a beer or a glass of wine with our kids. I will admit, however, to allowing the girls to have a sip of wine at holiday dinners. Most times they refuse, but they have had a taste a few times and didn't like it. The idea behind this was not to teach them to drink responsibly, but to share in a holiday meal tradition. That being said, if kids want to drink, they will find a way to do it. All we can do as parents is tell them our values and expectations and consquences. And hope for the best.
My SO raised his son as a single dad, and was very relaxed about alcohol - he'd even offer his (teenage) son a beer if he was having one at home himself. Son has now been in college a year and is nicknamed 'juicebox' because he very rarely drinks.
Howvever I think there's far more factors than just this one thing of drinking with your kids or not. Though he's a relaxed and approachable parent in many respects, SO also has a very strict moral code and has worked hard to teach his boy to respect himself and others. I think that has more to do with it.
NO OOOOooooOOOOoooOOOOoooOOOOOooooooOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That said, I must relate this story.
As my sibs grew to the driving aged teen years, dad would say, "If ya wanna go out drinkin', why dontcha just have a drink with me instead?" In our house, a 12-pack of beer could last from Christmas until July - and aside from that, there was just NO WAY we were gonna have a drink with dad (inthe teen years) because how uncool would that be, and we couldn't possibly DRINK in front of DAD, and was he SERIOUS? Did he REALLY MEAN THAT? So we never took him up on it.
I think times have changed and that in this day and age it is just not okay. I would go further... someone pointed out to me once how we are modeling drinking. In our neighborhood, for example, we had lots of block parties and every one had beer. We are teaching our kids that you can't get together and have fun without drinking! My brother has much younger kids who still trick-or-treat. The dads go along with beer in a wagon to drink. What message is that sending? I think we need to really consider how we can influence our kids without even realizing it!
This is an interesting debate and one I think is personal. I grew up in a foreign country where drinking at 16 with your parents was accepted, the legal drinking age is 18 (still is). I started drinking with my parents at a very young age, and by drinking I mean a small sherry glass of sweet wine at Sunday lunch, as I got older, it was a half a glass of red wine and so on. I am doing this with my son too. I have only been drunk once in my life and it was when I was married, and I just had one too many. I have never abused alcohol as a child and still don't today... so I leave this up to the parent to decide, and won't stand in judgment either way...
What about the fact that it's illegal to provide alcohol to a minor?
I don't know. I guess to each his own. I've seen my sister give sips of wine to her teens and the other weekend my brother-in-law made a margarita for my 20-year old niece. I just couldn't do it.
My DH was brought up this way, but fortunately for me, he changed his ways.
My nieces and nephews, most of them, drink. So sad.
My fifteen year old knows that we would never provide her with alcohol.
I don't know. I do envision letting my kids have a small glass of wine with christmas and thanksgiving dinner when they are older although I certainly wouldn't be hosting drinking parties or anything of that nature.
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My mother is German and I think the taboos about drinking there are just not the same as they are in this country. It is of the utmost importance to drink responsibly and that's what we were always taught. That being said, there were several occasions growing up where my brother and I were allowed a glass of wine/beer with dinner (I can't remember how old, but certainly younger than 21) and no one ever thought twice about it. Because we never did anything irresponsible. We learned to appreciate a fine glass of wine and the goal was not to get drunk. As someone pointed out earlier, kids will be kids and if they want to drink, they will. But we can teach them important lessons concerning alcohol and the risks involved so they can drink responsibly.
Just my two cents :)
Hm. Interesting. My parents would never ever let my sister or I drink in their presence until we were 21. My brother is 18 and about to head off to college. My parents were resistant to him joining a fraternity because of all the drinking. But alas, he has already signed.
Anyways. I drank in college before I was 21. A lot. I wish I hadn't. My parents did not provide and they hardly drink themselves, yet I did. I don't think giving your child alcohol is the answer, but I don't know what is. I'll have to figure that out so I'm ready when I have teenagers myself...
Interesting post. Glad you stopped by my blog. Following you!
From what I have observed, parents drinking with their kids is not a good idea. I'm not talking about a sip of wine at Christmas. I'm talking about providing alcohol for kids to see how much they can drink before they get drunk. That's essentially what too many parents are doing.
As you pointed out, it teaches kids it's OK to ignore the law. It's bad enough when parents provide alcohol for their own children, but then too many provide it for other people's kids, too. Totally. not. cool.
I think it comes down to responsibility. Most parents in this country who drink with their children (for the purpose of curbing their desire to drink) are leading their children down the wrong path.
Now, I see nothing wrong with sharing a drink with an older child. For example, I would allow a 19 or 20 year old to have a champagne toast. And any post-21 drinking would be okay ---- if my children drink responsibly.
So rather than teaching my children when/how to drink, I'm teaching them when/how to be responsible, in all situations. I can only pray that's enough.
I know in Ohio it is legal for parents to provide alcoholic beverages for their children IN their presence, only.
I also do not like the idea of parents drinking with their children or underage drinking at all.
However, my 17-year-old boyfriend's parents see nothing of it and he is allowed. He does drink, never more than one or two at a time, and always responsibly, but it still bothers me. I have not drank, though I have permission from his family.
I am, however, all for doing away with a drinking law.
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